How to ward off Count Suarez

^{Luis Suarez, having revealed himself to be the most famous vampire since Dracula himself, will next be striking at Newcastle’s home, St James’ Park. This being an occasion with many thousands of people attending, will be the perfect chance for this particular day-vampire to continue his old-fashioned brand of retribution on society.}

^{All hope is of course not lost. There are measures dating back centuries for people wishing to rid their midst of the neck-guzzling enemy.}

^{Rob Elliott in the Newcastle goal would be well-advised to decorate his posts with branches of wild rose and hawthorn plant. Such a devise would ideally send Suarez scurrying back to his Anfield hideout. Human safety aside, Newcastle’s hopes of securing a surely relegation-banishing three points would be boosted no end.}

^{Alan Pardew could also hang a mirror facing outwards from the Liverpool changing room door. Vampires are said in some cultures to not have a soul, and the lack of shadow, or reflection from Suarez will scare him off.}

 ^{One other method of vampire protection is quite simple – do not invite them into your home. However, Mike Ashley the Newcastle owner already made this mistake by permitting the Uruguayan on the premises during last season’s 2-0 win for the Toon. Now he may come and go as he pleases.}

^{Should these methods prove unsuccessful, there are many methods of destruction. However, with this particular author unwilling to be seen to be encouraging any criminal activity, you will have to use your imaginations and do your own research!}

^{With Suarez now having been involved in two seperate biting incidents on a football pitch, the Magpies would be forgiven for wearing a bit more neck-protecting headwear than normal.} 

^{They may also have concerns about how they will protect themselves in a footballing sense against the soulless South American, as they continue to struggle against another relegation. Defeat on Saturday may prove another stake to the heart of their top-flight soul, and they’ve been looking rather pale for awhile now.}