Euro 2012: Matchday 1 round-up

 

A quick round-up of the first week of the European Championships.

Day 1:

Ref has poor game as Poland freeze in front of home fans 

Referee Carlos Velasco Carballo (CVC), had in truth a poor game, spotting only two occasions in which a player didn’t make a foul and was booked, this event occurred numerous times within the game but players were not booked for making legitimate attempts at winning the ball. After the game CVC was criticised by a number of pundits, Alan Shearer of the BBC was quoted “Karagounis has clearly won the ball there, and for me he’s got to be booked, a really poor show from CVC”

Czech hat makers take significant blow

Russia cemented their position as the tournaments dark horses, gliding their way to the first convincing win. It’ll be a day for Alan Dzagoev to remember netting to top finishes (Keeping the eyes of the premier league watching), however it’ll be a day to forget for Petr Cech, giving a poor display. After the the game Cech blamed his poor performance on his helmet being “On Too Tight”.

Day 2:

Millions watch the germans steal late winner and miss out on south american classic. Millions of fans will be questioning why they watched 90 minutes of tentative football when they could have been watching Argentina and Brazil battling it out for south american dominance. The answer could be to catch a glimpse of Cristiano Ronaldo crying like a small girl who’s just lost her favourite doll. Again.

The dutch taken on an outrageous farm retreat after shock defeat

The Danish stole a hard earned 3 points from a standard looking Dutch side when Krohn-Dehli slotted a neat finish past Stekelenburg. In contrast the Dutch couldn’t hit a barn door, sparking a surprising move from Holland coach Bert van Marwijk who was quoted as saying “We’re taking the boys down to a local Polish farm in Krakow to work on their finishing”.

Day 3:

No spanish striker leads to a really boring game

Spain name a line up without a recognised forward as they develop the “Tiki Taka” style and out grow the need for goals, instead opting to pass the ball to death, leaving their opponents excessively bored. Del Bosque’s Decision was quickly justified when Fernando Torres came on, Only to hit the top form (and the top row) he’s seen at chelsea (and the Shed end) this season. Reports suggest he’ll be joining up with Holland at their farmyard retreat.

Luck of the Irish, Still Missing

Irelands domination of european luck finally came to an end as they were sunk by a top Croat side. Denied fouls leading up to the second goal, Shay Given being in the wrong place at the wrong time and being denied a stone wall penalty all added up to an unlucky night in Poznan for the Irish. Its been reported by sources close to the Ireland national side that due to Importing laws of eastern europe, all Leprechauns, 4 leafed clovers and horse shoes were confiscated by Airport security, due to being “Offensive” to local people.

Day 4:

Rio Ferdinand centre of latest Italian match fixing scandal

Rio Ferdinand is currently the centre of a match fixing scandal, after England’s 1-1 stalemate with France. It has emerged that Ferdinand, still bitter about being snubbed by Roy Hodgson, payed off the Italian match officials, to not give a single decision in favour of the England side. These allegations have come under heavy scrutiny from The FA, but UEFA President (and frenchman) Michel Platini came out in a press release to defend the match officials and to warn any national footballing bodies that they may be booked for any further dissent.

Shevchenko saves Co-hosts as ponytails banned in centre of Kiev

A quick double from Shevchenko sealed a first victory in the european championship for Ukraine. Zoltan Ibrahimovic opened the scoring for sweden with a simple tap in, despite attempts from local authorities to ban him from Kiev. Officials in Kiev took the radical step to prevent the potential threat of Ibrahimovic, Mexes of france, and to a lesser extent Andy carroll by banning ponytails from the city. Local fans favourite Voronin put the steps in motion for the ban being approved by chopping of his tail and donating it to a Local fans museum. Unfortunately for local authorities and Voronin, the court of european human rights stepped in to prevent the ban taking affect to any visiting tourists.

Editors note: All accusations and quotes are purely fictional.

Kyle Sotiris

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