How to become a Premier League player – 3 light-hearted steps to becoming Fernando Torres

We have all been there. Frantically kicking the ball around the garden, or a park, whilst commentating out loud as to which players we are taking the ball round. The exaggerated celebration when you slot the ball between two wilting trees, much to the bemusement of the old lady walking her cocker spaniel. We have all been there.

Professional footballers have a god-like status with young fans of the sport. The disgusting amounts of money and their off-field antics are unheard of to those innocent, fresh-faced supporters and it is their performances on the pitch that wins their hearts.

So, now is your chance – no matter how old you currently are, in age or mental capacity, to become a Premier League forward. We at Football Friends have been kind enough to put together three steps to becoming Chelsea forward Fernando Torres.*

1) Blame your hair

First thing is first, grow your hair. Delete your barber’s number from your mobile, buy a trolley full of conditioner and let it flourish. Grow your hair until your partner/pet threatens to leave you because ‘you look like an idiot’. That’s your queue to cut it all off.

Yep, that’s right. All of it. Now, everything you do can be blamed on the fact that you have no hair. It seemed to work for Torres after he snipped his locks.

“What do you mean you can’t do your job as efficiently because you’re bald?!”

2) “How wide, do you want the goal?”

Right, you’ve nabbed the number 9 shirt ahead of your fellow Sunday league players and are spearheading the attack. Now, when you receive the ball, do not look up. Whatever you do, DO NOT look up.

As you bear down on goal as knock it round the keeper, remind yourself that you are Fernando Torres. Ensure you get as close to the goal as you can. Keep going. Even closer. Now, as you stand inches away from the goal line, hoof the ball out of touch. As hard as you can. It doesn’t matter that you’re teammates want your crown jewels on a plate… You’re Fernando Torres.

3) “Que?”

So you have the look, you have the skills, now all you need is the attitude. From now on, everything you do that fails miserably don’t worry. It is not your fault. Tried a four-yard pass that went horribly wrong? Blame a colleague’s positioning. Your shot from 10-yards went haplessly into the crowd? Tell the ref you had your shirt pulled. Lost your footing and embarrassed yourself by falling flat on your face in front of everyone? Just stare at the ground as if repulsed that the blade of grass tripped you.

After all, You are now Fernando Torres.

*Following these steps may not  actually turn you into Fernando Torres.