BUT SERIOUSLY………
Andy Gray, the Jim Bowen of his generation – as in “You can’t beat a bit of bully!”- has paid the price for his sexist comments about the female assistant ref, Sian Massey, but far more damaging apparently was his invitation to Charlotte Jackson, a junior colleague at Sky Sports to put his member in it’s place. Not apparently Richard Keys, but his own penis. The Scot’s brogue and impenetrable tactical-speak, for example the classic “It’s football in a phone box”, often left viewers bemused, but at least we now know what he meant by wanting the full backs to “tuck in”. He said that he was devastated to lose his job, I bet he was at £1.7m a year! Probably as devastated as I was when I realised I had failed to Sky Plus the first episode of the final series of Billie Piper in Belle de Jour, incredibly available in HD. Don’t laugh, a man needs a hobby! Andy Gray ultimately paid the price for suing the News of the World over the phone hacking scandal. He should have known not to cross the ‘Dirty Digger’ Rupert Murdoch and expect to stay in his employ for long. Just ask the print workers that he screwed when moving to Wapping.
Andy’s mate, Richard Keys, famed for wearing air hostess jackets on screen and being more hirsute than the average orangutan, also lost his job as he walked before he was pushed. He spoke at incredible length on talkSPITE about how sorry he was in hindsight about the remarks made off camera to Sky colleagues in unguarded moments, in a vain attempt to save his own skin. Mostly, he was sorry for getting caught, but otherwise he sounded less repentant than Joey Barton after a bar room brawl. I must confess that I myself have been accused of misogyny on occasions, but my instinctive reaction is to say “Shut up, you stupid cow!” But seriously, to describe me as a woman-hater is wrong, I hate everyone!
Quite what Jamie Redknapp’s wife, the lovely Louise thought of his comment about ”Redknapp hanging out of the back of it” about his ex-girlfriend, was unfortunately not recorded. The delicious Louise, currently fills the role of the ‘wee fit’ assistant to Tim Lovejoy on the Sunday morning cooking show ‘Something for the Weekend’. Also starring ‘celebrity’ chef and Liverpool fan, the aptly named Simon Rimmer, who surely is himself no stranger to a bit of banter on account of his laughable surname and baldy head. It should be a must-see this week as Simon and Tim clash over Torres’ defection and Louise tries to avoid the obvious sniggers and sarcastic comments of her co-hosts.
Meanwhile, Liverpool signed Andy Carroll for £35m, it may look like a panic buy on deadline day, but King Kenny sees it as a watershed for the club and it probably will be. Carroll, a man with more court appearances than England appearances, represents a huge gamble and fingers, if not legs, are crossed all over Merseyside as a result. The lively lasses of the Liverpool ‘meat market’ clubs will be guaranteed a lorra lorra laughs when Andy hits the scene, but will doubtless find themselves saddle-sore if they respond to the big geordie’s customary warcry of “Ride me, ride me”. Andy tried to convince the sceptical Liverpool fans of his professionalism by announcing that “I will still have a pint or two, cos that’s the way I was brought up, but I know the time to do it now”. That time I assume is morning, noon and night.
However the good news at Anfield is that the Uruguayan Luis Suarez, a snip at £22.8m, has arrived and scored a farcical goal on his debut. Andy Wilkinson made a hash of monumental proportions as he lashed the ball into the net, when in all truth it was trickling towards goal so slowly that he could have sat on the ball on the line, clenched and walked the ball to safety. The new signing looked far from fit and appeared for just 16 mins, but that is no surprise as even before the winter break in Holland, he has not played since the 8th December, he has been strolling around the Eredivisie with not so much a cigar, as a spliff on. Fore shure Shteeve!
Sean Mathias