Arsenal beat the Barca Boys

BUT SERIOUSLY………

The Wenger boys beat the team from Spain’s second city in a memorable Champions League first leg tie in North London. The Emirates’ outfit struck twice in the last quarter of the game to secure a 2-1 victory. Barcelona were left to rue the fact that for all their pretty passing and slick interplay, they emerged with no end result. Hopefully for Arsenal’s sake, this lesson was not lost on the myopic Arsene as he watched on, nervously squirming in his seat like a Middle Eastern dictator. The victory was hard won against the side the French professor had described as the greatest ever team. Those of us with memories that go back to the Brazilian side of 1970 or Milan in 1989 (or with internet access) would argue, but it never harms to ‘big up’ your opponents when you are in fear of a thrashing or at the very least a football lesson.

After the match, Jack ‘Babyface’ Wilshere was compared to Paul Scholes by his manager, which seems a bit harsh as Jack has shown an ability to be able to string a few words together before his 35th birthday, unlike the ginger dullard. Wilshere showed that he is a more than capable performer at the top level, as his display showed the folly of Capello’s plan to use him in a holding role in the future. No water-carrier is he and surely a starring role beckons for this champagne performer. Arsene has called for an unlikely quadruple, but it might be more feasible if he had bothered to invest in a centre back in the January transfer window. I fear his stubbornness may be his downfall this season and not for the first time.

West Ham are confirmed as the likely tenants for the Olympic Stadium after the 2012 event. The Hammers embraced the idea of an athletics legacy in the East of London, whereas Spurs’ arrogant stance was a plan to bulldoze the stadium whilst the seats in the VIP Box were still warm from the ample buttocks of the IOC members. Avram Grant, you may feel, will not be there to consider the new stadium as home, but the Israeli is slower to take the hint than Hosni Mubarek, the now (finally) deposed Egyptian tyrant. The lardy manager continues to hang around the Boleyn like a bad smell, which coincidentally he is used to at home, given his wife’s favourite body-waste beverage. West Ham came back from a 3-0 half time deficit to emerge with a point against West Brom, but Avram cannot take the plaudits. Scott Parker stepping forward with a rousing Churchillian speech that rallied the troops into an effective second half reaction, while Toad of Toad Hall presumably watched in amazement that someone was actually doing the job he is paid to do.

Sepp Blatter has spoken out about the safety issue of players wearing snoods, as there is a possibility that the inappropriate garment could cause an injury if grabbed by an opponent in a challenge. Not for the first time, the oily Austrian administrator has missed a trick here. How about forcing proven divers to wear a fleshtone snood in the month following their offence, with the word ‘foreskin’ emblazoned on it? That should ensure that the likes of Nasri, Nani, Gerrard, Drogba, etc  appear even bigger dickheads than would otherwise be the case.

In politics, David Cameron PM has authorised an inquiry into the way that football is run in this country. He should beware, as he has already had his fingers burned on the last occasion he interfered in the game at the failed bid for the World Cup in 2018. You will recall that he was the makeweight in the bidding ‘dream team’ with Prince William and Lord David of Beckham. The Bullingdon boy and his old-Etonian mates should concentrate on what they are good at and continue running the country into the ground, as they have managed so successfully thus far. His new buddy Nick Clegg is in the news again as he espouses electoral reform and is encouraging us to vote in the coming referendum for the ironically named alternative vote (AV) system. That alternative vote being NOT to vote for his rabble of a party next time. We are told that the AV system is as simple as ABC – that would be Anyone But Clegg, I assume.

Glenn Hoddle followed in the illustrious footsteps of the Top Gear team this week as he insulted an entire nation on television. Famous for losing his England manager’s post after insulting disabled children’s parents with his medieval religious views, Glennda criticised Torres’ lack of control against Fulham, where the ball bounced off him at regular intervals. He likened the £50m man to the Chinese player “Knee-shin-toe”. Thankfully he did not follow this up with a cockle-picker joke or he may have found himself working the graveyard shift at TalkSport!

Sean Mathias



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