The outlook of a barely interested neutral fan

Stoke vs. West Brom has just appeared on my television, I really could not care less about the outcome of this game. I’m a Bolton fan and aside from wanting to finish above Stoke because they are horrid, I have no real feelings towards either team. Therefore to make it more interesting to myself and the up to 3 people who may read this, me included, I’ve decided to jot down my thoughts and emotions on the game as it progresses…

Kick off – ‘MNF’ vomit, just been reminded that Stoke let go of Tuncay and Gudjohnson in January and replaced them with John Carew, urgh. Come on West Brom!

2 minutes – The ball touches the floor for the first time via a throw in back to the keeper; Nascar Speed Cup is on one channel up. Temptation rears its head for the first time.

5 minutes – Corner to Stoke, sick bucket at the ready

9 minutes – Why did Paul Scharner stop having mental hair? He is comprehensively headbutted as a means of protest.

12 minutes – Just remembered that Stoke have never had more than 50% possession in a Premier League match, does this make them much more possession efficient than Arsenal? Got to save energy, save the whales, save the planet. Stoke are the environmentalists choice, come on Stoke!

15 minutes – First few long throws, the challenges on Scott Carson would make the front of the News of the World if committed by Ashley Cole.

23 minutes – Kenwyne Jones waves imaginary yellow card which get’s Mulumbu booked, disgusting. On second viewing it may also have been related to the two comical hacks he made on the Stoke striker.

25 minutes – Stoke striker… Wayne Rooney’s Stoke Striker. Large gentlemen attempt to head and/or bundle balls coming from a horizontal angle into a tyre. Would definitely be no worse than his actual programme.

29 minutes – For a moment a game of football threatened to break out there, there were passes, movement, the beating of players and a shot on target off someone’s foot. Need I say which team? Come on WBA!

30 minutes – Pretending the very dull commentary (‘I bet Rory Delap has sore arms at the end of a game’ being a lowlight) will influence my opinions, the volume is sacrificed for Neil Young.

35 minutes- As WBA begin to get more and more of the ball I realise that I really do not care. Think I need a wee.

38 minutes – I do need a wee. To avoid risk of missing anything in this piss poor article I leave a toy pecking bird overseeing the keyboard ala Homer Simpson.


40 minutes – Bird has nothing to report but it did manage to turn over to Nascar Sprint Cup, someone ought to tell them they’re just going round in circles.

41 minutes – Chris Brunt biffs Jermaine Pennant… shame. From the resulting free kick Pennant hits the bar as Scott Carson gives it the ‘it’s over the bar’ gesture. Carson is consistently Cumbrian Sportsman of the Year, have they not seen the goals I score in warm ups of a Saturday morning?!

44 minutes – Crimewatch is on at 9! Have I committed too much to this to turn over…?

46 minutes – For some reason all the players are walking off the pitch, I hope they have a long hard think about what they’ve just done.

Threw some water on the floor and watched it partially evaporate in order to get me going for the second half.

46 minutes – Turn off Neil Young in case I forever associate him with this game, if I drink enough water I might be able to go for another wee.

50 minutes – Delap throws one directly out of play, ‘must be doing too many weights on his right arm’. Neil Young nearly makes a return. Scott Carson kicks the resulting goal kick directly into touch. If I press on my bladder I will definitely need another wee.

52 minutes – GOAL!

Stoke whip a corner in from Pennant (obviously right onto the crowded keeper) and Rory Delap heads in from one yard or so, what a horrible, horrible goal. I almost hope this doesn’t spring either team into action as I can’t be bothered typing anymore. Come on football team!

58 minutes – Scharner receives torrential blow to the head 2 & 3 in the space of 2 minutes. The sight of him holding his cranium should be made into a billboard, ‘Welcome to Stoke’ doesn’t quite have the same ring as the Tevez one.

59 minutes – WBA denied by a great/very lucky deflection and save. After Birmingham yesterday I can’t see this brand of football win again, come on WBA!

64 minutes – How a number of magnitude of WBA players can run full pelt alongside Pennant and not drop him is a disgrace, come on Stoke!

67 minutes – Scott Carson kicks another one directly out, that award is mine!

70 minutes – Fortune hits the bar for WBA. Sound exciting? It wasn’t, hit his shoulder and looped onto the top of the bar as Begovic made a half hearted attempt to get his picture in tomorrow’s Stoke Evening Herald.

73 minutes – WBA bring on two of their better attackers, this Hodgson bloke knows his stuff. Get him a job at a big club like Everton.

76 minutes – Tchoyi (sp?) concedes possession twice in a minute on two occasions 70 yards away from each other. Both impressive and a show of my poor football knowledge.

80 minutes – Andreas Iniesta digs a hole, gets into a coffin and spins in it.

83 minutes – Imagine not being able to get into the Arsenal side, turning down Bolton, who then get the goal machine Danny Strurridge instead, ending up at WBA and coming on away at Stoke 0-1 down with Ricardo Fuller coming on next to you. Decision, Carlos Vela, are not your forte

87 minutes – GOAL!

My poor knowledge of the game is shown yet again. Great decision Carlos! A goal fitting the game, controls it off his shin and scuffs his shot which then bounces over Begovic. Apparently this constitutes a ‘great finish’ I think I almost, for a second, considered thinking about missing Andy Gray there… no it’s gone.

88 minutes – just for a second I saw a window of racist commentary open as WBA fans were seen with a Chile flag, someone please just say ‘obviously they’ve come a long way to see Vela score’ it’s really easy and very entertaining.

93 minutes- Wonder what Oliver Bierhoff is doing.

94 minutes – Vela misses a great chance for a winner, twice in a minute! What a couple of great saves by Begovic! What a game! Incredible!

Full time – Stoke 1 – 1 WBA

It’s over, it is the end of football.


Sorry I watched it

Sorry I wrote about it

Sorry if you read it

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