Not mentioning any names
GK – Micox Haddamann
The big American, born to parents Jordon and Peter, current plies his trade as back-up keeper at Wolves. Micox just passed his GNVQ level 1 in heavy petting. Mr. Kannikiss, PFA Retirement Coordinator said: “Micox is a big lad with a strong head.”
DL – Leighton Beans
A good friend of Guy Branston, the free-kick specialist Tweeted: “I peeled off Mark Fish before chipping Seaman.”
DC – Chris Smallring
It’s true… word on the street is that he’s only a size K around his middle finger!
DC – Aarooooon Makarana
Mr. Pompey wasn’t that impressed when Aarooooon suggested swapping the drum for a vuvuzela. Imagine Orvil, in a waistcoat, with alopecia, playing a clarinet… got it?
DR – Emmanuels Boobys
Not to be confused with the 80’s erotic movie star, Emmanuels is an Ivory Coast international famed for being a bit of a pacey right-back. He was once skinned by a squirrel at the Emirates, tit.
ML – Florence and the Malouda
The Frenchman is currently working on a new track with DJ Dizzee Campbell… ‘You’ve got the tash… you’ve got the tash… youuuu’ve got the tash I need…
MC – Sillymans Cardy
He’s the Gok Wan of the Premier League with all of his snazzy attire. The Nigerian also has a decent honk on him from the edge of the box. One of the many Harry Manadaric deals from the African desert.
MC – Stillians Petslost
Uncle Bulgaria; the ex-Hoops midfielder lost his goal scoring touch after moving to Villa. Room sharing with Ozzy’s long lost son, Isaiah Osbourne wasn’t such a good idea after the youngster gobbled up his dog.
MR – Peter Lovelypants
If you’d like to book an Ann Summers party, call 0800-LOVELYPANTS now.
ST – Smellymans Canoe
Another African makes it into the dream-team after finding his way all the way from the Ivory Coast to Chelsea… in a small dingy… apparently?
ST – John Cantpoo
The truth behind the big Norwegian’s failed move to West Brom in January. The constipated striker failed a medical!
Simon Bourne
Twitter: http://twitter.com/#!/I3orny