Not mentioning any names

Not mentioning any names


GK                   –                       Micox Haddamann

The big American, born to parents Jordon and Peter, current plies his trade as back-up keeper at Wolves. Micox just passed his GNVQ level 1 in heavy petting. Mr. Kannikiss, PFA Retirement Coordinator said: “Micox is a big lad with a strong head.”


DL                    –                       Leighton Beans

A good friend of Guy Branston, the free-kick specialist Tweeted: “I peeled off Mark Fish before chipping Seaman.”


DC                    –                       Chris Smallring

It’s true… word on the street is that he’s only a size K around his middle finger!


DC                    –                       Aarooooon Makarana

Mr. Pompey wasn’t that impressed when Aarooooon suggested swapping the drum for a vuvuzela. Imagine Orvil, in a waistcoat, with alopecia, playing a clarinet… got it?


DR                    –                       Emmanuels Boobys

Not to be confused with the 80’s erotic movie star, Emmanuels is an Ivory Coast international famed for being a bit of a pacey right-back. He was once skinned by a squirrel at the Emirates, tit.


ML                    –                       Florence and the Malouda

The Frenchman is currently working on a new track with DJ Dizzee Campbell… ‘You’ve got the tash… you’ve got the tash… youuuu’ve got the tash I need…


MC                   –                       Sillymans Cardy

He’s the Gok Wan of the Premier League with all of his snazzy attire. The Nigerian also has a decent honk on him from the edge of the box. One of the many Harry Manadaric deals from the African desert.


MC                   –                       Stillians Petslost

Uncle Bulgaria; the ex-Hoops midfielder lost his goal scoring touch after moving to Villa. Room sharing with Ozzy’s long lost son, Isaiah Osbourne wasn’t such a good idea after the youngster gobbled up his dog.


MR                   –                       Peter Lovelypants

If you’d like to book an Ann Summers party, call 0800-LOVELYPANTS now.


ST                    –                       Smellymans Canoe

Another African makes it into the dream-team after finding his way all the way from the Ivory Coast to Chelsea… in a small dingy…  apparently?


ST                    –                       John Cantpoo

The truth behind the big Norwegian’s failed move to West Brom in January. The constipated striker failed a medical!


Simon Bourne


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