End of season report cards

After fading into nothingness for the last 2 months of the season, it is time to bring in the player’s parents and let them know exactly what I think of their lil’ nippers efforts this season. All scores are out of 10 and most likely heavily inaccurate.


Jussi Jaaskelainen – 6

Jussi has been an absolute legend at this club, never letting the team down, apart from the odd occasion where he lets us down. This season has seen the rate of his ‘vollyball saves’ increase along with his blunder level. With Ali Al Habsi running wild at Wigan I think it’s time to call him home and make him number 1. Jussi should now have ankled his last ball towards SKD as Bolton’s number 1

Adam Bogdan – 6

You can see he’s trained alongside Jussi with his comical technique, although I just don’t think he’s going to be good enough. Plus he’s very ginger and our new goalie shirt is bright pink. Urgh



Paul Robinson – 5

Such a restricting player it makes me want to cry. He is about 20 years behind the modern full back. Bombing to the byline and cutting the ball back is still below trying to look hard and following through to ‘let them know you’re there’ on his agenda. His performance at Wembley was utter crap, will take a long time to forgive despite his constant 100%

Marcos Alonso – 3

Bought from Real Madrid, took numerous foul throws versus Burnley in the FA Cup, put in a couple of shaky performances, got pissed in Spain and killed someone in his car.

Gary Cahill – 8

A colossus for the most part and far too classy to be playing our type of football. His technique is up there with the best centre backs in the league and his distribution is generally decent. Had a couple of moments against Man City and Stoke where he tried to play with his ankles tied together which cost us dearly but he’s done well and he will go to Arsenal with my best wishes… please go to Arsenal Gary.

Zat Knight – 6

A strange one, very strange. Some games he looks fantastic and absolutely unbeatable in the air. Other times he looks clumsy, unable to read the game and panicky to the point of playing 84 yard diagonal pings which don’t work. I’m inclined to believe the latter and shudder at the thought of him being our main man at the back next year.

David Wheater – 7

What an ugly man. Typical no nonsense defender who was brought in for quite a lot of money by our standard seemingly with one eye on next season. He was thrown in fairly quickly after Knights injury and didn’t do much wrong. However, OC was clearly determined to stick to his original pairing and big Dave spent the rest of the season on the bench. His endeavours on the pitch though were of an acceptable standard for a gargoyle.

Sam Ricketts – 7

I was never a fan of Ricketts. Partly because he looks like a lad I know, partly for reasons I can’t out my finger on. However, his performances this season were a pleasant surprise. An extremely athletic footballer who always surprises me with the quality of his use of possession. Hoping he will be first choice right back next season.

Gretar Steinsson – 5

Shouting at the fans and pumping your chest does not mask the fact that positionally you are full of woe and you cannot see play developing to the level of an under-10 (Muntari’s goal? Just turn around and stop doing the Cha Cha you tosser).




Martin Petrov – 3

Awful, sulky, lazy tosser. I hailed him as the Bosman of the season last year but never got going and his performance at Wembley was the worst I’ve ever seen from a Bolton player, he was just horrid. Please go away.

Matt Taylor – 5

A trier, that’s all. Occasionally delivers unplayable dead balls and other times looks like little, weak boy lost. Keep him for cover and because he occasionally does something YouTube worthy

Fabrice Muamba – 5

Probably hasn’t done too much wrong compared to what Coyle expects of him, but I really don’t thin he is anywhere near good enough, surely must have been neglected in Arsenal’s academy, can’t pass 5 yards, literally. Not up to it.

Stuart Holden -9

As close as a grown man should come to wanting a poster of another man of similar age on his bedroom wall. Beautiful player, beautiful man. Outstanding.

Mark Davies – 6

If he wasn’t made out of biscuits we would have a seriously good pairing in the middle. Always looks 10 times the player of Muamba when he plays probing superbly. If we can just stop loaning him to McVities for the summer and get a full season out of him, happy days.

Chung Yung Lee – 7

Shouldn’t be Korean the silly boy. In dire need of a break after 2 solid years of playing. However, still shows composure and class in possession. Probably needs to eat a few Labradors over the summer to bulk up.

Rodrigo – 5

Often looked exciting but just a bit boring, see you in the Europa League for the next 15 years mate.



Kevin Davies – 6

Bolton fans love him, his contribution to the club has been unreal. However, surely it’s time to move on. His attributes restrict us and we have not been playing the good-to-watch football the media thinks. We’re still route one to SKD and his goals return has been pathetic, keep him as an impact sub.

Johann Elmander – 7

Had a good run early doors. Not his fault we signed Sturridge, Davies is undroppable and he got an offer of a club that may actually like him this season. OC killed him by playing him CM instead of up top with Sturridge.

Daniel Sturridge – 8

Absolutely class. He could be tearing the league up with Torres for years to come. The fact his hair resembles that of Keenan from Keenan and Kel fame is just an added bonus.

Ivan Klasnic – 7

Scores off the bench a hell of a lot given that he only gets 10 minutes often. However, nowhere near fit enough to play 90 and will probably go down as a cult hero  should his exploits continue next season.


Phil Gillett



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