How to become a Premier League player – 3 light-hearted steps to becoming Wayne Rooney

Wayne Rooney is one of the most recognisable football players in the Premier League, perhaps even Europe, but with opinion split of the Scouser across the country, people have reacted differently to wish wishes to leave Manchester United. Chelsea are said to be interested, so to Arsenal and Bayern Munich, but at the time of writing Rooney is still a United player and will be trying to dislodge last season’s top scorer Robin van Persie.

We at Football Friends have been kind enough to provide you, the reader, with three steps on how to become the England international.

1) It’s passion, boss

First thing is first, the mentality. You need to let people know that you’re important. Get a taxi to your nearest tourist spot, and while getting of your lift make sure EVERYONE sees you. If it means shouting at someone, do it. Next, find someone with a camera. While they are trying to take a picture, stick your face in it and start swearing. As loud as you can. It’s okay, you can pass it off as passion. While on your way home, or to the police station, ensure you hit something as hard as you can. A corner flag, if possible, but a pedestrian is also fine.

2) Have you had a haircut? 

If you’re serious about becoming Rooney, you’ll need to sort your barnet out. Grab the clippers, shave every hair from your head and show everybody you know. Next, find your partner’s hairbrush, or use some locks that you have just got rid of, and tape a few of them back onto your noggin.

“Wow, is that Wayne Rooney?!”

3) back-track

Apart from his off-field antics, which we won’t go into, Rooney is known for his ‘once a blue, always a blue’ t-shirt that he sported at Everton. Not long after he was in the red of Manchester United. So, to complete your Wayne Rooney transformation, you need to start going back on your word.

“Cup of tea, please. Scrap that, givvus a coffee.”

Get cracking.