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Ugliest Footballers

The contemporary, metro-sexual footballer. Designer stubble, skin as smooth as silk and a tan that makes David Dickinson look like an albino goth.

I’m not going to hark on as to the demise in masculinity that footballers seem to be criticised and credited for, because to be honest,  It’s hard to ignore the fact that some footballer players are simply beautiful. It’s not gay, it’s fact, just look at Becks.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that I want to take him out for dinner, have a bottle of red, pinch his cheeks and promise him the world, I’m merely stating that as a hetro-sexual male, it’s okay to appreciate the male form.

However, not all footballers are blessed with such style, charisma and allure that the likes of Beckham has become so famous for.

Here is my list, compiling some of the most frightful, ghastly and down right macabre footballers to have ever graced the pitch.

Nani: Ugly score-4/10

Is it a bird, is it a plane…yes, it’s a bird, good old pigeon head himself. Not only one of the most frustrating footballers to watch, he is also frustrating to look at. Seems he would be more comfortable waddling around Leicester Square picking up flat dog ends rather than playing football. Plus, it’s hard to take the man seriously having realised he is the spitting image of Wacko Jacko back in his Thriller days. Nani…check your bad self…in the mirror.

Mickael Silvester: Ugly score-5/10

Now Mickael is not a dreadful looking man. His charming french wit and accent make him particularly attractive to a female audience. However, based on the sheer circumference and mass of the mans cranium alone, it is hard to abstain from including him in the list. His head is huge. I mean, really huge. Rumours have suggested that Silvestre only owns one hat. It’s a beanie, tailor made from over 5 meters of felt, taking  2 hours to fit the garment, using copious amounts of lard and several shoehorns. What’s more, Silvestre is said to have had a 33 hour long “ram-off” with Gabriel Obertan in 2009, following a dis-agreement over a pack of jelly babies.

Carles Puyol: Uglly score-7/10

The Barca center-back is ugly. There’s no two ways about that. If your going to rock the classic cut that is the loose perm, you have to have the style and looks to back up such a bold statement. Look at keegan, perm and hot-pants. There has to be some sort of justification there. Puyol unfortunately, looks like Mr potato-head in a wig.

Iván Campo: Ugly score-7/10

Following an accident at a young age in which Campo’s face fell onto an industrial strength vacuum cleaner, his severe dis-figurement has not stopped him pursuing a career as a professional footballer. Since his retirement, Campo has been busy setting up his charity “The Iván Campo trust,” a cooperation that is dedicated to ensuring the welfare and dignity of repulsive footballers. It is said that the charity holds over 200 members, and the annual ICT Gala attracts media attention across the globe.

Wayne Rooney: Ugly score-8/10


What wazza lacks in wit, he makes up for in his ahm….considerable choice of ageing prostitutes? Well it certainly isn’t his looks anyway. I’m not condoning the force that is Coleen’s real women, as she too is as moronic as her other half, but alas, based on aesthetics alone, she is a little out of his league. My atheism is justified when looking at the star-strikers face, as it is clear to see the role evolution has played in the development of human life, and how such evolution is less active in the Rooney family.


Carlos Tevez: Ugly Score-9/10


Ahh Carlos, where do you start. I’m not even going to shrowd his description with metaphor and simile, we can all see what is wrong with Carlos Tevez when staring at pictures of the man himself, and that of course, is the shirt on his back. Cringe, that one was awful. But of course, joking aside, Tevez is truly grotesque. This was re-enforced when attending a Halloween party last year, in which someone was dressed as the city striker, in full kit, along with the bush-wacker hair, crooked teeth and un-sightful scar. Effortlessly the Premierships most hideous footballer.

Franck Ribery: Ugly score-9/10


The hideous love-child of Shane Macgowan and Jocelyn Wildenstein, Frank Ribery comes in with a gracious, yet acceptable ugly score of 9/10. The scarring on Riberys face is indeed a tragedy, but I believe if you look beyond that, you can still see the repugnant mush that resembles a piece of over-cooked popcorn chicken. Mr Ribery, you sir are one ugly, ugly footballer.

Iain Dowie: Ugly score-10/10

Topping the chart is Mr incredible himself, Iain Dowie. Classically considered the most disgusting footballer to have ever played at professional level, Dowie is an avid Goonies fan, allegedly spending over £100,000 pound on cosmetic procedures to make him look like his childhood hero, The Sloth. Well I can say that it’s a job well done.   




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