The Alternative Team of the Year

As “squeaky bum time” approaches for the teams fighting at the top and bottom of the Premier League, so too does the glitz of award season.

And with the refreshing PFA shortlist just announced (the award should be split between Charlie Adam and Scott Parker), came the inspiration to recognise others who are deserving but often overlooked.

So here’s the Alternative Team of Year; a team of the underperforming, the overpaid, the disliked, the overpriced, and the overrated.

Shay Given – What a criminal waste of talent. The Irishman’s decision to warm the Eastlands’ bench this season pips Manuel Almunia’s perennial poorly choreographed clown act.

Paul Konchesky – Apologies if you’re reading this Mrs Konchesky, but your son is a symbol of all that was wrong with woeful Woy’s wretched reign at Anfield; embarrassingly out of his depth in a Liverpool shirt.

Jelle Van Damme – To leave one Premier League club citing home sickness and criticising the standard of football makes you a flop…but to do so twice is just insulting.

Sebastian Squillaci – Last summer Arsene Wenger was in the market for a commanding, experienced centre-half to replace William Gallas…and he will be again this summer. The Frenchman has floundered in his first season in English football.

Sotiris Kyrgiakos – At his worst a complete liability, at his best ‘Bambi on ice’. To top things off he looks like Andy Carroll’s older brother, which is never a good look.

Michael Carrick – Carrick’s influence at Old Trafford has receded quicker than Alan Shearer’s hairline, after a largely underwhelming season. You would be forgiven for thinking it was he whose career was waning at the age of 36, and not Paul Scholes.

Denilson – As Messrs Nasri, Song and Wilshere have graduated to become prominent in Arsenal’s first-team this season, the former Brazil under-17 captain’s career has stalled, and he is now sixth choice central midfielder at the Emirates.

Stephen Ireland – Another Irishman wasting his talents; he has been living off his excellent 2008-09 campaign for two years now. He hasn’t played since December, and in the ten matches he played earlier this season, Villa won only once and he no impact at all, except on the medical staff.

Milan Jovanovic – Rafa Benitez’ leaving gift at Liverpool. Incredibly he allegedly rejected the advances of Real Madrid last season and earns around £70,000 a week, yet appears as though he was never played football before. Remarkable.

Mauro Boselli – This year’s winner of the ‘Stephane Guivarc’h what a waste of money award’. Youtube is littered with goals from Wigan’s most expensive signing, he has even scored against Barcelona in the final of the FIFA Club World Cup. Shame all they have to remember him for in Lancashire is THAT miss against Sunderland.

Mario Balotelli (Captain) – Surely the natural successor to El Hadji Diouf as the most hated player in the Premier League. The Golden Boy Award winner’s contributions have been sparse in 2010/11, whether it’s been on the treatment table or just petulantly strutting around Eastlands. And frankly anyone who can’t overcome a pesky bib is a nailed-on inclusion, especially when you have a £24 million price tag.

James Riley